Monthly Archives: January 2017

The Gym 2017

‚ÄčAny notion that men have any sense of decorum is removed upon stepping foot into the male gymnasium locker room.

“No, no I will not take your picture.” These are actual words, I have had to say to a grown-ass man, in a locker room.

Why are all of you naked? Why is your towel over your shoulder? Why is your towel the size of restaurant napkin? Again, why are all of you naked? 

I don’t have specialty work-out underwear that can only be applied at the gym, I knew I was going to a gym so I put my gym crap on at home. I’m not Nostradamus, I planned a trip to the gym, and dressed accordingly. 

I arrived at the gym, I put my phone & bookbag in a locker, dodged all the naked guys that have to walk at me, and went into the gym to work out. I worked out, went to get my crap out of the locker, why are all the same guys standing around naked in the locker room? I never see any of you naked guys working out. You just prance around in the locker room naked. 

The Sauna:

Within the confines of the locker room, is a separate area, with a doorway, and on the other side is 1) the sauna 2) showers 3) toilets 4) swimming pool access. I walk towards the doorway because I want to sweat-out a few weekend beers in the sauna.  A young barefoot man in front of me is going the same way, he reaches for the door handle, and just before he touches it, his hand falls weakly to his side, and he kind of meanders to a slow stop just to the side of the doorway. This fucking guy has just suffered an executable error, 404 door-handle not found. WTF, again I’m not Nostradamus, I know I have to open the door to get to the other side. Get out of my way, barefoot towel guy. As I reach for the door handle, barefoot guy begins to perform a 270 degree turn to get behind me. (I’ve seen this maneuver before, this is one of those “I don’t touch door-handles, so you are going to hold a door for me.”) Realizing that barefoot boy is going for the maneuver, I crack the door just enough for me to go sideways through the door, I then grab the handle on the back side and pull it closed (best part was that he was turning his body sideways so that he could glide through). It’s an acrylic door, I look at him from the other side and say “I’m not your doorman.”

I mention the guy was barefoot, because I thought it curious that a guy not wanting to touch a door with his hand, would walk around barefoot in a men’s locker room. There is a story I could tell at this point, but I can’t because of the level of disgust it creates in not only myself, but the two other people that I told it to. Suffice to say, when I leave the gym, I want to throw my shoes down a sewer, soak my feet in gasoline, light them on fire, then sterilize the remains in alcohol. Men are disgusting, and are a health risk to every living creature on Earth. We should be stopped.

The Sauna continued: The sauna has a door in which it is small room that has heated air, and each time the door is opened, the hot air leaves the room. I go in, I set my stop watch, 15 minutes max. I go in, and sit down. Another barefoot guy (seriously guys wtf?) in tiny little bikini briefs, wearing Beats by Dre headphones follows me in, he walks around, he stretches, he’s bending over, 120 seconds (2 minutes) passes and he walks back out. Whatever. I then look out the sauna door (its acrylic) and watch as the guy walks into the shower area. That’s all that is down that bay. showers, men’s showers. A minute passes, he comes back out. And then he walks down the hallway to the pool area. The pool area is co-ed. He was wearing bikini briefs and Beats by Dre – that was it. Again, whatever. 

Seven minutes pass (how do I know? I was using my stopwatch remember?) here he is again, back in the door of the sauna. This time he walks a circle (the sauna is tiny, all saunas on Earth are tiny), he wasn’t even in the 30 seconds and he is walking back out. The behavior of men in a gymnasium locker room is bizarre at best, and all I can figure that there is some sort of sexual pleasure these guys are getting that is outside the norm of searchable features on the internet. 

In the final scene of Apocalypse Now, Capt Willard reads the note from Col Kurtz to “exterminate them all.” And in the original cut, during the closing credits, the air strike that Willard has called-in levels the Kurtz Compound. That goes through my mind when I go to the gym, I am Captain Willard and I want to call in an airstrike on the men’s locker room. (then throw my shoes into the sewer, and napalm my feet.)